maybe people shouldn't read my blog...alwasy complaining

Today was a bad day. I have never felt so alone in all my life. Even with all the venting, today I really realized how alone I feel. I LOVE my husband and he is ALWAYS there for me but sometimes you just really need girl time, a girl's perspective, or just something different than the husband kind of love. I made friends at CSUN and thought these friendships would last but as soon as I moved, I started losing these friends. I thank the Lord for for the four that stuck by me. BUT they all live at least a half hour away and even more with traffic. Then at Long Beach, I made two good friends but those two friends are best friends so I'm totally the third wheel. They just took a trip together with their husbands to Vegas. I want that. I've always wanted to travel with friends but life happened. Then these two girls have gotten every class and clinic together AND are ahead of me now because they got two clinics this semeseter so now I'm graduating alone. I never thought that would happen to me. I know this might not seem like a big deal to most but I will have no friends there to celebrate with me. I mean, I have acquaintances but it's not the same thing. And again because of life I only get to see my best friend once a month which just blows. Struggling for four years to make friends really scares me for the future. I want friends but am I ever gonna have friends down here. The one friend i had that I saw on a regular basis basically ditched me. I never hear from her anymore and all she has is bogus excuses. Then we have the autographing friends but they're all guys. Oh, and we went to this screening party of Dexter season finale and it was SO fun to be with all these people into the same thing. we used to do this for Lost and I forgot how much I loved doing that. I wanted to get a movie night started but again the distance between everyone doesn't help. I finally have a girls weekend planned with three girls from CSUN. Just hope they don't flake. I just want one female friend that is close by and i can depend on and go over for coffee just to talk. Not asking for much. I just don't want to feel so alone anymore.

Venting again, but a happier ending

So i've been really in a depressed funk...continued from last time but with a few new things to think about. Just got news that some very dear family friends of Gregg's may be getting a divorce. i know this couple as this couple..never apart. It just terrifies me how much divorce is in the world and for the silliest reasons. This couple is fighting over where to live- in a condo or on a ranch..within the same city amongst other things. So sad. Then I have my best friend. I was sitting in the shower jsut thinking today. I often let my mind wander in there cause then the tears just get swept away with the water. Today it hit me how much I love my best friends. so much changes but my absolutely unconditional love for her never changes. It's been so hard living so far away from her unable to just grab lunch just to hang out. And then she had her baby. the thing that hit me today is my adoration for this baby. You really don't expect to love a baby so much when it's not yours. It hurts to be away from her and her family and I don't know how to get passed it. With that comes the fact that not only do I not get to be there but a good friend of theirs is having a baby and moving back to the coast. Those boys are only gonna be a few months apart. This was our dream-to raise our kids together and now it's not me. This other girl is amazing and she's gonna be an amazing mom but it just isn't fair that it's not me. I pray to the Lord to help me accept His will for me but it just keeps getting harder and harder. I think he just keeps testing me to see how much faith I truly have in Him and I'm not doing so well. I praise the Lord that my friend and I have overcome so much over our technically 26 years of friendship. And who can honestly say that you have known your best friend for 26 years. I'm so lucky to have that! Just how do you get out of a slump when you can't change the things that are happening and when you really are truly happy with your life. I'm focusing on these sad things and not focusing on the great things. I have a husband that cares for me, I'm still able to go to SLO several times a month, there is light at the end of the tunnel for school, we have the means to take trips such as our OR trip to see my dear sister and to NY to celebrate gregg and my 5th anniversary, my parents now only live a half hour away, I have so many caring people in my life that respond immediately when I need prayer, I've met so many of my favorite actors and actresses, and I have a God that blesses me with all of this and who loves me dearly...wow, i truly feel so much better after writing this. alright, maybe i need to vent about the good things in life. Good grief!!!

Venting- be warned, it's a lot of crap

So I haven’t been blogging in a while because first, not many read it and second, that’s just how life has been. I had to do it today though to vent and sort out my thoughts so anyone who reads it, be aware that this is all just gonna spill out of my head without much thought. So much is going on and I’m at wits end again. There’s been ups and downs but even the good things cause some stress. One good thing is YANKEES ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES!! It feels wrong without Torre there but they are still my boys! So go Yankees! I got to go to a Dodger game with a friend of mine which re-opened my love for the game. Most don’t like baseball but I totally love it. Don’t know what it is. I’d rather go to a baseball game than anything else. Now I just gotta get my husband into it. Speaking of my husband, we’ve been butting heads lately. I’m guessing I’m just taking things out on him but his stress at work comes through. He becomes more and more forgetful and when I’m trying to stay on top of things for school, I can’t keep reminding him of everything. We even forgot his mom’s birthday this year. How does that happen? But even with that, he has been an amazing support. You may know I stalk celebs and he’s always willing to come out with me even when he doesn’t want to. He even stayed outside of Cirque du Soleil and let me and my friend go in just so he could cover the outside. And he never even complained. He was so happy that I finally got to see the show as we’ve been trying for years but it’s so expensive. We got the tickets for free cause they had seats to fill. What else is there? School. I’ve got a year left and I am REALLY starting to feel the pressure. Pressure of clinics to come next semester (dreading), pressure to turn in paperwork, pressure to decide where to intern, pressure to start building those bridges, pressure that oh yeah, I need to be able to actually do this for real in a year, pressure to decide on ether a thesis, project, comprehensive exam… Too much to think about and even if I were able to take it one step at a time, I don’t know where to start. What else. Oh my very best friends grandpa passed away. Since I have known her my whole life, I’ve also known him so it’s really taking a toll on me. It’s probably for the best as we all know. He had Parkinson’s that he’s been suffering from for nearly a decade, heart attacks, strokes, swallowing problems. He was no longer able to take care of himself and they were about to put him into transitional care so we assume he just didn’t want that. I am just so sad that I didn’t get to see him one last time. I had intended to go visit him at thanksgiving to say hello. This man was such a wonderful man. Sweet man. Always made me feel so special. I only saw him a handful of time over the last few years but every time, he lit up with a smile. Last time, he gave me a kiss on the cheek. I hate that it’d been a year since I’ve seen him…to the day. I say that because he passed away on the first anniversary of her wedding to Shannon. Speaking of which, he had had some MAJOR health issues just a few weeks before her wedding and he pushed through that. Then a few months later she got pregnant and he made it to see his great grandson born. He was a champ. That day brings up another thing. I had a friend. She was one of my best friends for maybe 5 years. Then some stuff happened, words got twisted and she decided she didn’t want to be my friend anymore. I was one of her maids of honor and she was basically one of mine. We went through so much together and one day it was over. We were able to start fixing things between us which has been such a blessing. I like to know we are still ok. But she went and had a surprise wedding…and I wasn’t there. It breaks my heart thinking about where we were 2 years ago and where we are today. I always thought I would be at her wedding. I always thought I’d be there for all the special moments and now I’m not. I know all things happen for a reason but it’s been so hard to accept this fact. I’m thankful for her though even in the capacity it is at now. It does remind me of how alone I’ve been feeling lately. I have 3 friends from SLO that I still see somewhat regularly-as regularly as possible with us all spread out up and down the coast. I also have 3 friends from CSUN that I’m still friends with. We try to meet once a month to reconnect although it doesn’t always happen but we always keep in touch. Down here in LB, I don’t really have anyone like that. I made 2 friends who transferred here from Fullerton. Great girls but they came together so they have a bond so I’m basically the third wheel. But also, they have those personalities that keeps them very high strung when it comes to school. That’s all they think about so quite hard to just “hang out”. I need hang out time so I don’t’ go crazy. That’s why I stalk celebs. There’s nothing like the feeling of meeting sweethearts, getting that autograph or pics, then going home to watch them. It’s so cool! For me at least. But that’s the only thing I do. I have a Disneyland pass that rarely gets used cause people around me either don’t have a pass, don’t go very often or just don’t have the time. Oh not to mention that so many people around me are having their babies. I love it. I love having the babies to hold. Just got to spend time with my “nephew” and just hold him. It was so nice to just be able to hold the little guy. The Lord has blessed me with the fact that I know it’s not the time. I want one soooo bad but I am willing to accept that the time is still to come. This is not something I was willing to accept a year ago.hmm anything else? Oh I never get to see let alone hear from my sister. She’s way up in Oregon and always busy. I hate it. I miss my sister. I want to be able to see her more but neither of our schedules allow this. Can’t wait for December when I finally will see her. It’s been too long. Well I guess that’s it for now. Thanks for listening.

Eight

The rules: Answer the questions, make sure you mention who tagged you, and tag 8 of your blogger buddies.

8 Things that I am Looking forward to:

1. Sheryl having her baby
2. Me having my own baby SOME DAY SOON I HOPE
3. Being done with this semester
4. Public Enemies premiere
5. Finding a home church down here
6. Getting back to SLO- I miss my friends!
7. Meeting all these babies that have and are soon to be born
8. Gregg finding a good, lasting job

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

1. Cried

2. Freaked out

3. Had clinic with only one client

4. dinner with my clinic group

5. Finished the back to the future trilogy being giddy that I met a bunch of them

6. Worked on some school work

7. Started my final report

8. Saw Xmen Origins that SUCKED. I'd watch it over and over again for Hugh Jackman but still sucked

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

1. Have a baby
2. Adopt a baby
3.Quit school
4. Get a job
5. Go to NY
6. Get my reading down for neuro
7. go back to CSUN

8. Get this house under control

8 Shows I Watch:

1. Samantha Who
2. The Office
3. Bones
4. Chuck
5. Heroes
6. Supernatural
7. lie to Me
8. Earl

8 People I’m Tagging:

1. Olivia
2. Jenny
3. Melissa
4. Kate
5. Anna
6. Jessica
7. Kim
8. Who's left? lol

yeah not liking this

Nobody reads and comments on my blog besides Steph, Hannah and my mom so don't think I'm gonna keep doing this. Don't know why I'd write up a huge thing for 3 people to read. We'll see though. I do need a place to vent as well as share what's on my mind although right now I don't have a whole lot going on besides school. I've always been the one keeping in touch with everyone and being hurt when people forget about me and now i'm on the other end of it. Although I think I have a good excuse being in grad school-espeically at Long Beach.These professors are crazy and truly expect way too much but at the same time way too little. I don't feel like I"m learning ANYTHING in my graduate courses. It's jsut research paper or project one after another but how much do you really learn from that. My undergrad courses are more interesting to me but so much harder. I've learned all about the swallowing and reasons why they can be disordered. Neuro is ridiculous. I don't think anyone can learn that in half a semester. So nuts. Well, enough venting for now. Get to go study some for neuro. Final in like 2 weeks. YIKES!

Overwhelmed

Anybody out there have good tips on how to de-stress, lower anxiety and just get yourself organized? I know I complain a lot but in all honesty, this is the most overwhelmed I have felt since starting in speech pathology. I can feel myself trying to keep afloat but it's not working. I thought this semester would be crazy but doable but i'm not feeling it at all.
Swallowing: doing well so far surprisingly enough.
Neur0: completely failing. ok maybe not that bad- i can update you tuesday when i get my midterm back- my midterm that I had to LITERALLY learn an ENTIRE CSUN semesters worth of information. Does that seem fair? It was the most ridiculous thing I've faced yet. Part of me doesn't care cause of the ridiculousness but I know I can't fail.
Autism: lectures aren't on the book, just soap boxes. No teaching yet professor tells us the midterm is killer and nobody ever passes (but we have 3 group projects to up the grade- but the three group projects are due back to back weeks-impossible to do a complete job)
Clinic: better than my clinic at CSUN but still hard to keep up. Language samples can take a whole day in itself to analyze and have two to do by friday. Therapy for one client going fairly well, the other not so much. Trying to keep up and get the results needed is very overwhelming.
Stuff jsut keeps getting piled on top of each other. i"m only typing this up right now because i am so desperate for ideas. Anyone have any ideas on how to stay on top of stuff?
I had posted a cry for help on facebook and many people offered ideas to de-stress, many reminding me to go to God for help. I jsut can't get myself to trust right now- that's how bad it is. I want to so bad because I know he's out there but I'm feeling so abandoned right now. Ugh. 2 more years, will I make it?

Valentine's Day

Hi everyone! So yeah, I'm still not doing so well with keeping up with this. But I had such a great Valentine's Day (albeit we only celebrated for about 4 hours) that I had to share.
So I woke up with these waiting next to me

We had seen the Eeyore at Disneyland so I already knew I was getting it but he made it cute. The cake was yummy too!

Then we watched Night at Rodanthe- WHAT WERE THEY THINKING??? Poor Gregg thought it was gonna be a sweet romance movie. Yeah not so much. If you're looking for a happy movie DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE!!!

Anyways, then we went to a late lunch/early dinner. There is this place called the Melting Pot. I've been wanting to go there for SOO long but it's a little ( a lot expensive) so we haven't gotten to go. For all my LA Girlfirends though, there is a girls night out on the last tuesday of the month for $32/person. I know it's a lot but when I finish this blog, you will know it's worth it.


Anyways, so our reservation was at 2 and we made it to the offramp at 1:45. We didn't get to the restaurant til 2:20. WTF?? Well, they openned at 2 so it wasn't very busy yet. We got seated and I got my own long stem yellow rose. Very pretty. Our waiter came with the menu


And I got a drink: Pomegranate Cosmo. So yummy! Yes it was 2 in the afternoon but we weren't doing anything for dinner so get over it :)

For the appetizer we got the Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Fondue! Oh my gosh! This was so yummy. You dip bread, veggies and apples. So so yummy.


The we got our salads. I obviously forgot to take a picture of this. He got the Caprese Salad and I got the Salad de Chevre. They were very very yummy as well.

Then we got the main entree. You get a choice of three cooking styles. We just got the veggetable broth which was fine. I don't think I would have been able to do the others with the spices they put in. But you get 4 pieces of chicken, steak, shrimp, broccoli, potatoes, asparagus, 2 kinds of ravioli, and salmon along with six different dipping sauces. It doesn't sound like a lot but by this time you are completely stuffed. It was soo good!

Then for dessert we got the milk chocolate fondue. For the dippers, you get some strawberries, chocolate covered marshmallows, graham cracker covered marshmallows, a slice of cheesecake, 4 pieces of rice krispie treats, bannanas, 2 brownie bites and 2 maybe cheesecake bites. It was incredible.


The atmosphere and the food was to die for. Gregg even had a great time. We did end up spending $170 for the whole meal so we won't be able to do this regualarly but it was a great time.